Meeting Up With Myself

I rarely strike out on my own anymore.  I generally choose to be with my husband, children or friends.  About a week ago I found myself all alone in the car.  I left the house planning to meet up with some friends for a movie.  I met up with myself instead.  As I drove I began asking myself what I REALLY wanted to do with this "me" time.  Now that I was in the car I could go anywhere or do anything.  I didn't want to go to the movie.  I didn't want to go home.  So, now what?  I had a couple of hours where I could do anything I wanted and recharge my personal batteries.  All of a sudden I remembered something I used to do regularly.  Escape to Barnes & Noble.  I would pick up an assortment of books on random subjects, hunker down in a soft leather armchair and skim through the pages.

So, on this particular night, as I found myself pulling into the Barnes & Noble parking lot, I wondered if it would hold the same magic it had in the past.  I entered the doors and was surrounded by familiarity.  I've always loved the music they play.  It's rarely anything I own.  I love the beauty of the books stacked neatly and artistically.  I even like the smell.  I wandered around looking at this and that.  Picking up a book here and there.  I’d run my fingers along the spines and flip through the pages.  As I gathered books I began to remember "me."  It was like getting reacquainted with a close friend.  I began to remember who I am, my interests, my needs… my essence.

I looked at the journals.  I used to always carry a small notebook or journal with me.  I tried to pick out beautiful little journals that begged to be written in.  I have a fun collection of these notebooks filled with thoughts, notes, impressions, quotes, love, fury, questions, and lists.

Where was my notebook?  When had I laid it aside?

I gravitated toward some sections like organization, self-improvement, cooking, psychology, fashion, puzzles, IQ tests and humor.  In the past I'd spent hours and hours in these sections.  I was repelled by computer, business, crafts, and fiction.  I stood there, in the middle of the store, clutching my stack of books, wondering why I had strayed from the books I love.  I've been trying to read fiction but when I do venture into fiction I become too obsessed.  I will read to the exclusion of everything else.  I’m not disciplined enough to read a little at a time. Self-help books and the like are easier for me to take in bits here and there.

I began to remember more and more about myself as I read some of the familiar titles.  "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway."  Am I living too comfortably?  Am I taking risks? 

"You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy"  That book was revolutionary for me.  I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 28.  That book really helped me put the ADD into perspective. 

There were so many old “friends” on the shelves.  There was Sark!  Oh Sark, where have you been?  Sark, a favorite author, is very liberal and I don't agree with everything she writes.  But, she was the one that inspired me to bravely strike out on my own as a single girl.  To be a "Succulent, Wild Woman."  I used to take myself to dinner, to movies, to the ballet, and on vacations. Yes.  All by myself.   I would dress up and go to fancy restaurants all by myself.  I'd occupy myself with a book or, better yet, imagine up a back story of why a young girl like me was alone.  

I was severely disappointed by the lack of cozy armchairs at this Barnes & Noble location.  Didn't they know I was coming?  This, of course, brought yet another epiphany.  Why don't I have a chair at home?  Okay I have lots of chairs.  I have chairs for dining, for rocking and for computing.  I have tall chairs and short chairs.  I have wood chairs and upholstered chairs.  Chairs.  Chairs.  Chairs.  What I’m missing is a chair of refuge.  I want a chair whose cushions are inviting and pillowy.  I want a chair that is so comfortable that when life has me down I can retreat to it.  When I lived with my roommate I had a time out chair.  It was a bright orange folding chair, it was all I could afford.  But, if I was having issues or just needed to be alone, I would go sit in my chair.  I'd write, or read, or just sit.  Why don't I have a chair?  I am now on a hunt for the perfect chair.  Here are a few inspirations.

This brings me to yet another question.  Why oh why have I neglected my writing?  I love to write.  It helps me make sense of my life.  It helps me deal with emotion.  It gives me permission to forget.  What I mean is that once I write a list of things to do then I don't have to remember the list and continually mull it over in my head.  It's the same with emotion.  Once I have addressed an emotion and written it out on paper it brings peace.  If it was a happy emotion then I have peace because I don't have to try to remember all the details.  It is there for me to read and remember at any time.  If it is a "negative" emotion then writing it tempers it.  As I write the pain and anger flow onto the paper.  As I write I begin to analyze my feelings.  "Why am I feeling this way?  How could I have handled the situation better?  What do I want to say or do now?"  It's like personal therapy.  So, I say again, why haven't I been writing?  Why is my journal covered in dust and my blog neglected?

On a lark, I picked up a book called The Passion Test.  I expected it to contain some sort of quiz that would pinpoint my life’s purpose in 150 multiple choice questions.  I like to take these tests and see how accurate they are.  It turns out this was deeper than that.  So, I didn’t spend much time with it.  But, as I perused it’s pages I ran across a simple question.   It’s a question that I am excited to explore.  “Where do you want to be in 5 years?”  Simple.  Yes.  But, really.  Where DO I want to be?  Not “where will my family be.”  In 5 years I will be 40.  I will have a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old son and possibly another child.  I expect that I will be a stay at home mom.  I will have been married for 10 years.  But what do I want?  What do I want my kids to see me doing?  What personal goals do I have?  The sky is the limit.  If I want to be in shape then I need to start working on it.  Do I want to finish my schooling?  Probably not in the next 5 years.  Do I want to become a freelance writer?  A photographer?  A street performer?  Hmmm, interesting.  Do I want to learn to sew better?  Organize better?  See the world?  Go on a cruise?  Where do I want to be spiritually?   ???

 

I found myself venturing into new types of books this trip.  I picked up a few children's books, parenting books and relationship books.  I used to read relationship books like, "The Rules" or "He's Just Not That Into You."  Now the books are how to make your marriage better.  Then, of course, there are parenting books to explore.  So much to read.  So much to do.  So little time.

I sat and pondered and read and marinated in wonder.  How had I forgotten this retreat?  It has been 5 years.  5 great years.  I haven't been spending time at my local Barnes & Noble because I wanted to be with my husband and children.  But, as closing time arrived and I was forced to leave the store I realized that I found myself in those stacks of books.  My family needs me to visit Barnes & Noble once in a while to help me be a better me.

Photo books

These photo books have changed my life.  I am going to make a book for Rachel's 1st year and a book commemorating Elizabeth.  Then I am going to take my blogs and transform them into books.  I love that this relieves me of the guilt I've carried for not getting my scrapbooking done.  I have bought a lot of scrapbooking supplies over the years.  But, I am not a scrapbooker.  I am a blogger.

This is the book I made about Doug and me (100 pages).  I used MyPublisher through Costco.  I am super happy with the quality of paper and the printing.  They have different sizes of books, styles and layouts.  And they often have great deals.  These books would normally cost about $92 each.  I payed about $140 for all 3 copies.  I love that if I want more I can just order another one any time I want.  Love it!

Are You My Mother?

This little birdie only cost me a couple of dollars.  But the feeling she evoked was priceless.  She awakened my inner child.  And I thought to exclaim, "Are You My Mother?"

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

I loved the book "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society."  I don't have time to give this book the critique it deserves.  It suffices to say that it is one of my new favorite books.  I'll share a couple of my favorite quotes.

I love this first quote because of the wonderful imagery.  "Your questions regarding that gentleman are very delicate, very subtle, very much like being smacked in the head with a mallet.  Am I in love with him?  What kind of a question is that?  It's a tuba among the flutes, and I expect better of you.  The first rule of snooping is to come at it sideways..."

I'm sure we all know someone like this... "Isola says she is a blight because she likes being a blight - it gives her a sense of destiny."

I often feel like the heroine who says, "My worries travel about my head on their well-worn path, and it is a relief to put them on paper."   

Lastly, I identified with the following quote because of my short courtship with Doug.  (Seven weeks from first date to married.)  But, I believe that family life IS a great adventure.  "Is it unseemly to get married so quickly?  I don't want to wait - I want to begin at once.  All my life I thought that the story was over when the hero and heroine were safely engaged - after all, what's good enough for Jane Austen ought to be good enough for anyone.  But it's a lie.  The story is about to begin, and every day will be a new piece of the plot.  Perhaps my next book will be about a fascinating married couple and all the things they learn about one another over time."

The Lost Book

When I was in high school I read a book that I absolutely loved.  So, as any good friend would do, I lent it to my BFF.  She read it and we spent a great deal of time discussing it.  Then she lost the book.  I have spent years wondering what the book was.  Once in a while I would receive a suggestion.  It was never the book I remembered.  All I remembered was that it started out with the main character speaking in the plural "we."  It ended with the character learning how to be an "I."  My nephew Kaleb cracked the code and told me that the book is "Anthem" by Ayn Rand.

I took the book on my trip to Texas.  Barely over 100 pages, it took a matter of hours to read.  As with so many things in life, it was not as earth-shattering as I remembered it.  However, the parable like structure of the story was intriguing.  It was a good reminder of how we need to learn, grow and stand on our own.  It is important to be individuals.

I have hesitated to speak in groups for fear of being different.  I love how the writer expresses it.  "...in the dim light of the candles, our brothers are silent, for they dare not speak the thoughts of their minds.  For all must agree with all, and they cannot know if their thoughts are the thoughts of all, and so they fear to speak."

And I love how the main character expresses his newly found individualism at the end.

"I AM.  I THINK.  I WILL.

My hands...My spirit...My sky...My forest...This earth of mine...

I stand here on the summit of the mountain.  I lift my head and I spread my arms.  This, my body and spirit, this is the end of the quest.  I wished to know the meaning of things.  I am the meaning.  I wished to find a warrant for being.  I need no warrant for being, and no word of sanction upon my being.  I am the warrant and the sanction.

It is my eyes which see, and the sight of my eyes grants beauty to the earth.  It is my ears which hear, and the hearing of my ears gives its song to the world.  It is my mind which thinks, and the judgment of my mind is the only searchlight that can find the truth.  It is my will which chooses, and the choice of my will is the only edict I must respect."

Ayn Rand is a little too "live only for yourself" than I am.  But, I love the reminder that our experiences, our happiness, our choices and our being are truly our own.  There is nobody else in the world exactly like me and there never will be.  My thoughts, feeling and ideas are important.  And so are yours.